Merry Recovery Christmas

Sometimes I forget how important people in recovery take the slogan "One Day at a Time." This past Sunday, the first Sunday after Christmas, I posed the question, "What is your favorite Christmas memory." About two answers in, I suddenly realized I had done it again. Past Christmases for many of the people in recovery are full of pain. Christmas spent in addiction, family separation, divorce, lost opportunities and pain. Several of us at Recovery Worship have lost parents this past year, one man learned on Christmas Eve that his estranged wife had died suddenly of a heart attack earlier in the day.

I heard all of these emotions as people stood up to tell their story, the stories full of pain were often ended with the same line, "but I am sober today and that is what is important." They spoke that living a life in recovery has turned sad memories of Christmases past into happy memories of Christmas this year. One of the last people to tell their story was a man who has only been to Recovery Worship a few times.

"My favorite Christmas story" he said, "is this Christmas. This is the first Christmas in thirty years that I have been sober on Christmas Day." He is still in treatment but you could hear the hope in his voice. This time, this Christmas, he was going to make it, the rest of today he will be sober, he will worry about being sober tomorrow…..tomorrow. Those Christmas's spent in addiction are in the past, in recovery he has been given a "do over" and he plans on making it work today!

We all have the right for a "do over" after all; God got a "do over" after Noah and the flood didn't he/she! That will be the topic this coming Sunday as we have a Service of Healing and New Beginnings on the first Sunday of the new year.

Addiction Right Between the Eyes

Last Tuesday night I was sitting in my office talking with a friend and getting ready to head for the Trustee's Meeting. Suddenly my cell phone beeped to inform me I had received a text message. I opened my phone and it was from Sandy, "Go online and Google Pastor Bill Bendert." I closed my phone and headed out the door. Pastor Bill presided at our wedding twenty years ago in Memphis, preached at my ordination in Ohio in 2000 and we have visited occasionally over the years and we have stayed in touch via Face Book and email. I wondered what had happened, if it was serious Sandy would have called me, maybe he had taken a call to Fargo or maybe he was elected Bishop.

Following the meeting, I was sitting behind my desk and my phone beeped again, "Have you Goggled Bill?" another text from Sandy. I got on line and Goggled the name and suddenly was thrown into disbelief, "Pastor Bill Bendert arrested for solicitation of an 11 year Old" was the first hit. Following this hit were similar headlines from news outlets in Michigan, Ohio, and even national websites like The Smoking Gun.

As I read the FBI report of the investigation, my stomach was tied into knots. This is the pastor who married us, baptized Martha, sat in our living room and played games with us, as I read the quotes from the AOL chat room between Bill and the FBI agent I could hear Bills voice. The conversation between Bill and the FBI agent posing as the mother of an eleven-year-old girl and the things he would do to both of them if they wanted. I have read other such conversations, but I know the person speaking these words, this is not some demented creep this is my friend. When I finished reading the fourteen-page report I felt dirty, I needed a shower.

I have been working with people in addiction for three years but this is the first time I just didn't know what to do, it has taken a while to sink in; both Sandy and I have been feeling the same thing. We thought about his wife and college age daughter. What was Bill thinking? How could this have happened? All the questions I have always thought I had the answers to ran through my mind but the answer just was not to be found. It was not until this morning as I was sharing this story with the Saturday morning Recovery meeting here at the church that the answer came to me, via one of the other folks around the table. "Why not Bill!"

What makes Bill different from anyone else with a Sexual Addiction? Does the fact that he is a pastor make him impervious to addiction? Does the fact that he is a friend of mine make it anymore unthinkable that he would do such a thing impossible? No on both accounts, that doesn't matter. When addiction strikes, it does not matter whom a person's friends are or what their occupation is, it hurts the people most directly impacted by the addiction.

It can happen to any of us, even if not especially, us pastors. As I write this week's blog I am alone in my office here at the church. I spend a lot of time here by myself on line, taking more breaks then I probably want to admit to check my email, Face Book page, Drudge Report and other sites. I am only one click away from all the porn I would ever want to look at, and only one click away from an inappropriate conversation on some chat page.

Sexual Addiction (in all of its forms) is a huge problem in the church…..all churches. I am not sure the church is doing everything it can to prevent it. It is getting a lot of experience in cleaning up the mess after it has been made public. Bill is not a pervert, putting that label on the addiction is too easy and doesn't address the problem. Bill is one of many sex addicts in our society. I wonder if he feels relieved that he got caught, many of them do. I hope he admits that he has a problem; that is the first step, on the long road to recovery.

 

On the Cover of Pretty Good Lutheran

Years ago, one of my favorite musical groups was Captain Hook and the Medicine Show. In prep for this blog, I visited some websites and the memories really startled flowing. Song’s like “Soup Stone,” “Freaker’s Ball” and “Cover of the Rolling Stone” a gimmick song that was probably intended to do just what they wanted, get their picture on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine.
There are only two blogs that I regularly follow, “Spirit of a Liberal” and “Pretty Good Lutheran” both sites deal with issues within the church. You can imagine my surprise when a few weeks ago I saw my name on the “Blog of the Day” area of Pretty Good Lutheran. Every day they have a selection of Blogs posted on their front page. Mostly pastors who tend to think a bit too much, occasionally a Bishop who always think they have something important to say, people I would not normally hang with unless it was either mandatory or they were buying. At first I thought about the old saying, “keep you mouth shut and have people think your foolish, or open you mouth and leave them with no doubt that your are foolish” ran through my mind. Then I thought, “Hey….this is really pretty cool.” I felt a little like Dr. Hook getting his picture on the cover of the Rolling Stone. Maybe it was a slow news day around the ELCA, I did notice that they didn’t use the picture of Martha and me doing our “Captain Morgan” pose, instead they used a silly stick figure, hardly an accurate representation of me.
So with my apologies to Dr. Hook, my mind started playing with new lyrics for his song.

Well I’m a Recovery Worship pastor, I’ve got golden fingers
And I’m tolerated everywhere I go
I preach about recovery and we preach about truth
At ten o’clock every Sunday or so
I try all kind of frills that give them all kind of thrills
But the thrill I’ll never known
Is the thrill that'll get me when I get my picture
On the cover of the Pretty Good Lutheran

Pretty Good Lutheran
Wanna see my picture on the cover
Pretty Good Lutheran
Wanna buy five copies for my mother
Pretty Good Lutheran
Wanna see my smilin' face
On the cover of the Pretty Good Lutheran


I got a lot of little AA blue-eyed groupies
Who do anything I say
I got a genuine Recovery Bible
That’s teachin' me better way
I got all the friends that money can buy
So I never have to be alone
And I keep gettin' fatter but I can't get my picture
On the cover of the Pretty Good Lutheran.

Pretty Good Lutheran
Wanna see my picture on the cover
Pretty Good Lutheran
Wanna buy five copies for my mother
Pretty Good Lutheran
Wanna see my smilin' face
On the cover of the Pretty Good Lutheran

If this works maybe I will shoot for the Lutheran magazine!!!

See you next week

PS. As of September 10 "Pretty Good Lutheran" is no more :(. So much for my dream of 15 min of fame. Thanks for all the good reads Susan. I hope this post didn't play a role in your decision!

Rainbows and Butterflies

I am often asked by people unfamiliar with the ministry of Recovery Worship why we have a "rainbow cross" on our webpage. "Are you a gay ministry" I am asked. Well, when I told this to one of my folks here at Recovery Worship his response was "Well, yes, we are a bunch of really happy people."

Following the flood God said Noah, 'This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations: I have set my bow in the clouds, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth.' Following the death of all living things on the earth, except Noah, his family, and his flouting zoo, God promised that He/She would never do it again, at least with water. From near total death and destruction, God gave us another chance, following the flood the world was a new creation.

We also like to use butterfly imagery here at Recovery Worship, one of the graphics we use is a rainbow colored butterfly. For a butterfly to live, something has to die, in the case of the butterfly it is a caterpillar. Now I am not a butterfly expert so I am not sure exactly how it happened (I didn't pay much attention in 4^th grade science class) but a caterpillar has to wrap itself up into a cocoon and die, from this death a butterfly is born.

To be born anew is a wonderful experience. When I hear people talk of their recovery I am reminded of the conversations I have had with people who have had "near death" experiences. They feel they have been given a second chance in life, they view life differently; they feel that they are a new creation in their recovery. In their addiction they have experience hell on earth, in their recovery they still have difficulties but they now have a new way of handling those difficulties. For them, being a new creation means more than simply not using, drinking, or acting out their addiction. Some would use the term "born again" well if that is works for you that is fine but it carries a heavy fundamentalist tone that we avoid here at Recovery.

However, in defense of the idea of being "born again" it isn't really the same. As the Big Book of AA states, recovery is a program of "Spiritual growth, not Spiritual perfection." You can say all day long that you are in recovery but if you have not fundamentally changed your life from your pre-recovery life you are only fooling yourself. If you say you are born again, yet you continue to live your as you did in your prior life, well you are only fooling yourself.

We will never be perfect in our spiritual life, in our recovery life, or in our Christian life, but in all of this we are a New Creation!

See you next Sunday

Two Young Deaths, Two Different Circumstances

As you may have noticed I have taken the summer off from blogging. However events during the past couple of weeks have changed all of that and I am now compelled to return to my blog to vent. In the serenity prayer we pray for "the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference." I cannot change the fact that I did a memorial service today for two men who died too young and I know that it is not within my power to change that. However, if God is willing, I may be able to change the way we understand such unexpected events.

I received a call from someone at Recovery Worship that one of our folks, Tony, passed away un-expectedly in Minneapolis a week ago. Tony was a regular at Recovery Worship, his smile lit up the room anytime he walked into the room. A few months ago Tony took a job at a local home improvement store and the job required him to work on Sunday mornings. Whenever Sandy and I visited the store we looked for Tony. Once again we would always be greeted with a smile, a hug, and a question, "How are my friends at Recovery?" We would chat and then Tony would walk us to the counter and give us his employee discount. We will miss his smile, his sense of humor, his strong faith in his Lord, his story of Recovery, and yes, the 10% discount.

Last Sunday, while on vacation in St. Paul I got an early morning call informing me that Jeff, a man who has been struggling with his addiction to alcohol, had committed suicide in the graveyard adjacent to his home church in rural Minnesota. I knew Jeff had gotten arrested for a DUI back over the 4^th of July and he had not been in church recently but I did not know things had gotten to the point that they had. Jeff, a retired Army officer was frustrated with life: he couldn't get a job and he couldn't kick his habit. I understand the frustration, one day you are a Major in the Army, the next day you can't get a job making pizza because you are "over qualified." Jeff kept looking for fastballs and life kept throwing him curves.

Tony died un-expectantly from a heart attack, as tragic as that is ministering in such a situation is pretty easy. Jeff died of suicide and there is nothing that is ever easy about ministry under such circumstances. I was honored that the family asked me to lead the prayer service the night before the funeral, and to speak again at the funeral. I asked them to remember Jeff for his love of life and his love of family and not to remember him simply for how he died.

The pastor, a Lutheran and a person in recovery followed up my little talk with announcing that suicide is a sin. Uffda, I am not so sure anymore, and I am not so sure that is true in every circumstance. I also asked myself that while that may be true, is it good pastoral care to proclaim that from the pulpit? I did not know Jeff well but I do not believe he would have committed suicide if he had not have been an out of control alcoholic. Jeff's cause of death should be blamed on his disease of Alcoholism and not by suicide. If Jeff had been able to work the program and find recovery he would be alive today, but he didn't and he's not and I cannot change that. If a person can be loved sober, he would be alive today. His family and friends loved him very much. If a person can be prayed sober he would be alive today, a lot of people were praying that he would find sobriety.

Two young deaths, two different circumstances, one was pretty much unavoidable, the second, well as much as we would like to think it was unavoidable in the end I am not so sure. The Big Book of AA says that some people will never find a way to recovery, and it says that the disease of alcoholism is "cunning and baffling." This week we have experienced the cunning and the baffling side of alcoholism.

Step 3; Making a Decision

I have always had a problem with "Decision Theology." Maybe it is the fact that I have spent most of my life around "Fundies" who continually asked me if "I had decided to follow Jesus" or if I "had a personal relationship with Jesus." The problem with this theology is that after you make such a decision, the folks pushing someone to make such a decision would then set the criteria for which such a person should live. If we had made such a decision we would live by their standards, and I found that almost impossible. My argument against Decision Theology has always been that God has already decided to love us; so for us there is no decision to be made by us. I know, many of you are saying "you have to do something!" We do, we have to be receptive of God's love for us and remember what Luther said in his explanation of the Third Article of the Apostle's Creed, "I cannot by my own reason or strength believe in Jesus Christ." Any attempt to make this belief into a human work is useless. It is through the work of the Holy Spirit, and not by any decision on my part, that I believe.

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him/Her*" is step 3 in the 12 step program of AA. In this understanding of what a decision is I am in full support. A person in the pits of addiction has no understanding of God and God's grace. A person in addiction may acknowledge the existence of God, but that same person plays the role of God. They know what is best for them, they know what is right and they will decide what is right and what is wrong and they will not listen to anyone else's opinion, especially those who are closest to them, the very people they love.

When the person in recovery decides to "turn their will and their lives over to the care of God" is not a statement of salvation, but a statement of recovery! They have broken free from their job at playing God and have come to the conclusion that Gerhard Forde made in his book Where God Meets Man, God is God and we aren't. This is a huge step in the recovery journey, maybe the most difficult. When we have accepted the fact that we are powerless we must fill that void with another power, and that power cannot be us, we are the ones who lost the control in the first place.

The God (also referred to as Higher Power in many AA circles) of our understanding is also critical. At Recovery Worship that God is the God revealed in Jesus Christ. But we also understand that for people new to Recovery Worship that might not be the case. We teach whatever Higher Power is keeping you sober is good, however, and this is important, as you continue on your spiritual journey keep your options open. This is where I see our Lutheran of the Spirit breaks in, the Spirit, working within the church, within the person, moving from an obscure Higher Power to the love that is found in Jesus Christ. They didn't decide to follow Jesus; the Holy Spirit stirred their understanding, hearing words of forgiveness not words of condemnation and the words of the Gospel, led them to believe in Jesus Christ. It works, that is why, I believe, I have done more adult baptisms at Recovery Worship than infant baptisms.

*I have changed this understanding because a large number of women at Recovery Worship struggle with the concept of a loving Father; many of whom were sexually abused by their fathers when they were young. We have been able to free our understanding of how God is revealed to us at Recovery Worship by discarding traditional "God Talk" from our worship service.

See you next week for Step 4

The Journey from Powerless to Higher Power

This summer I am doing a sermon series of the 12 steps of AA. This isn't my first time for doing this; I taught the 12 Steps three years ago when I first came to Recovery Worship. Not being in recovery myself I felt that it would be a great way to learn the steps. I not only preached on each step, I actually did each step, an interesting endeavor.

I always need to remind myself that Dr. Bob, Bill W. and the rest of the group in Akron and New York wrote the Big Book of AA and the 12 steps very early on in the program. Bill W. had only been in recovery 3 years when the project was started, most of the people who helped had only been in recovery a few months.

Step One of AA is "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable." The keyword in this step is powerless. You could, I think, have a life that is unmanageable but still be in control, to be powerless means being out of control, a life in turmoil and a life that is unmanageable. I have a hard time imagining what that must be like! However, to begin this journey of Recovery we have to admit that we are powerless over our addiction. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as the "occasional drink," one drink is too many, 1000 drinks is not enough.

Step Two of AA is "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." I will say right now that believing in a Higher Power means more than simply saying "I believe in Jesus," while that is enough for salvation, that is not enough for sobriety! I have known a lot of drunks who say they believe in Jesus, but it doesn't keep them from drinking. It was wise for Bill W. and Dr. Bob to use the term Higher Power, the drunks of their day, and ours too, had Jesus out their ears from groups like the Salvation Army and the church that tried to reform them out of fear rather than love. Step Two is that first step to a "Spiritual Awakening" that will enable the addicted person to begin the process that will lead them to Step Three. After reading the Big Book I have no doubt that the Higher Power that the writers were talking about is the God of the Old and the New Testament.

The journey from the Powerlessness of Step One to the Higher Power of Step Two is crucial to the addict, without this journey recovery will not be possible.

For those of us who are not addicts, our first step is to accept addiction as a disease and not as a moral weakness. I am still amazed at the number of clergy who tell me that addiction is not a disease that simply with the right amount of "will power" the person can kick the addiction. Philip Hansen in his book "Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired" suggests that when we hear someone make such a statement that we tell them, "The next time you suffer from diarrhea, see how well will power works for you." Amen!